Zugzwang
by Sandylee007
Summary: Zugzwang SPOILERS! What if it all ended differently? What if another person was forced into the line of the bullet? Will Reid and Maeve find each other again? ReidxMaeve ONESHOT, AT LEAST FOR NOW
1. Erase

A/N: I just saw the infamous episode a few days ago. It shattered my heart. (winces) One thought, however, keeps bugging me. I don't understand why Diane chose to shoot Maeve – if she was that desperate to have Reid for herself wouldn't it have made more sense to take HIM along as she killed herself? I silly thought that transformed into this fic. (grins sheepishly)

WARNINGS: You know what? For once, none. Perhaps a hint of sadness, which is only to be expected with those two. (sighs)

DISCLAIMER: Pfft! If I DID own anything there's no way Maeve would've died. (hisses venomously)

Alright, because it's always unnerving to launch a new story I'll get to it before I change my mind. I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride!

* * *

_Zugzwang_

* * *

_2412_

* * *

"You'd die for her?"

"Yes."

It all happens very, very fast. There are barked orders. Several people are moving. Dr. Spencer Reid feels a unwanted body's warmth next to his. And knows that it's over.

"Alright, then. Do it. Die for her. Because I'm not going to let her have you."

The gunshot is deafening.

He doesn't hear it.

* * *

_1206_

* * *

The dark is full of noise. Chaos. Blood. Shouting voices. Sobs, those unleashed and those sealed away firmly. Pleas.

"_There's… You guys, there's a pulse!_"

"Don't… Don't leave me! Please…! Don't…!"

"_Where the hell are those medics!_"

A bloodied hand squeezes a sickly pale one, with all its might. "Stay with me, Spence. Stay with me."

And then the medics are there. Pushing Maeve away, barking orders. Almost as soon as her hand slips from Spencer's his heart stops.

* * *

_603_

* * *

Spencer's eyes fly open and he gasps, like a man who'd just been drowning. The view he meets is full of light and it blinds him, brings more tears into his already moist eyes. His whole body is trembling under a storm it can barely hold down.

Did he just fall asleep or wake up?

He doesn't dare to sit up with the way his head is swaying but slowly his brain begin to make connections. The ground below him is soft and warm. Very close he can hear the sounds of waves crashing, the water almost touches the tips of his bare toes. He frowns.

How… did he end up to a beach?

All of a sudden it doesn't matter, though. Because he realizes that he isn't alone. Turning his head he finds Maeve's eyes. For the first time he sees her smile. He finds himself smiling as well.

* * *

_268_

* * *

The waiting room is surprisingly crowded, considering the late hour. Crowded yet unnervingly quiet. Maeve, still in a state of shock, wraps her arms tightly around herself and struggles with all her might to keep it all together.

She can't shake away the sight of medics giving Spencer CPR.

Can't stop hearing the conviction in his voice when he announced that he'd die for her.

And now that she's finally seen them she can't forget his eyes, doesn't even want to try. She's only looked into them once. But already she knows that if she never sees them again…

She jumps slightly when someone wraps a blanket around her. Looking up with some startle she discovers Derek. There's a loaded look on his tense, exhausted face. "You… were shivering."

She nods, not even trying to smile. "Thank you." And then, facing the pain in his eyes that almost matches what's swirling in her stomach, she gulps and goes on. "I… I'm so sorry." This is all her fault. If she'd never entered Spencer's life… If she'd never brought all of this to him… She wipes away the lone tears that roll. "I never…"

"Hey, none of that. There's only one person to blame and she's long gone." Derek's eyes soften. "He's going to be alright, you know?"

Maeve looks at him with genuine surprise. For the first time she keeps her eyes away from the waiting room's door for longer than four seconds. "How do you know?"

"Because I happen to know just how much he cares about you." Derek's voice is full of certainty and faith. "There's no way in hell he's going to let himself be pulled away from you like this."

Maeve wishes from the bottom of her heart that she'd share his confidence. Because just then a dark skinned, middle aged man with a bald head called '_Whitney, E., MD_' enters the room slowly, visibly stalling. There's a all too serious look on his face.

* * *

_134_

* * *

Lay on the beach Spencer smiles still, reaches out a hand but it stops mid air. Falls to the sand near her. "I found you", he mumbles in a soft voice, unable to tear his eyes away from her.

Maeve reaches out her own hand, lays it mere inches from his. "I never doubted you", she announces in a whisper, as though anything louder might've damaged something.

The quiet around them is soothing. Spencer finds his eyes drooping but doesn't want to fall asleep in fear that this will all be gone when he wakes up again. He doesn't feel like he ever wants to get back up again. Not when he already has everything.

"You should wake up now, though." There's a hint of sadness coloring Maeve's voice. "You really need to let go."

He looks at her with a frown, prepared for a heated protest. But then he finally understands. And his heart breaks once more.

* * *

_36_

* * *

The doctor tells them that they got Spencer's heart to beat again. But he's unconscious. And there's no telling if he'll ever wake up again.

Maeve doesn't care about what they tell her. Sooner than the doctors would've wanted him to have visitors she's sitting beside him, holding on to his hand with all her determination. (She doesn't want to let go again if that hold is what keeps his heart beating.) She'll wait forever if she has to.

Swallowing down a lump that keeps coming back into her throat she leans forward, inhaling his scent that instantly feels soothing and familiar. Like home. Whispers in a voice that barely carries through all the beeping and humming of the machines. "Thomas Merton."

* * *

_12_

* * *

There's a taste of salt on Spencer's lips. Still he doesn't dare to reach out and touch her. Doesn't want to…

Maeve smiles although her eyes appear a little moist, shifts closer to him. He wishes that he'd be able to feel her warmth. "Shh… It'll be okay, I promise. Just wake up already."

Spencer swallows thickly and squeezes his eyes tightly shut, holding on to _this_ with absolutely everything there is still left inside of him. "I don't want to wake up", he murmurs. "Not without you."

Maeve snuggles closer still, letting him feel her warmth. Her hand travels down his skin, as though trying to imprint every little detail. "You haven't lost me, Spencer."

He doesn't open his eyes. Doesn't want to see what he may never, ever find again. "You'll be gone."

"Then you'll find me again." There is no hesitation. No doubt. No one has ever believed in him like that. Somehow a trace of her unwavering faith slips under his skin as well.

Finally Spencer opens his eyes, all but stares at her. Into her trusting, warm eyes. Into her soul. Into the most beautiful thing he's ever laid his eyes on. "I love you." His voice breaks and he doesn't hold it back. She's worth every single flash of emotion that courses through him. He looks at her seriously, his heart beating in a way that suggests it'll break any given second. "I need you to know that I love you. Forever."

Maeve's eyes are full of tears while she leans forward and presses her cool, ghostly lips against his forehead. Already more than halfway gone. "I've never doubted that, for even a second." Her lips then move, find his.

In those few, flashing seconds he sees a whole lifetime with her. Their wedding. Their children. The two of them, growing old together. He sees a whole lifetime.

Then, with a single breath, it all fades away.

'_I love you._'

'_Then find me again._'

* * *

_4_

* * *

In a hospital long, pale fingers twitch, as though attempting to reach out for something. Softly and cautiously another hand grabs the fumbling one, holds on tight. Their wrists press together, pulse points brushing. Their hearts beating in a perfect sync.

"Spencer?"

Slowly, slowly a pair of hazel eyes blink open, at first bleary and unseeing. Feeling her touch he stiffens a little bit, obviously not having anticipated the contact. She only holds a litte more firmly, desperate to show him that she's really there.

Through almost spilling tears Maeve Donovan smiles. "It's alright", she whispers. "We're both going to be just fine. It's over, now. Everything's alright."

Finally he looks at her. Really looks, his eyes taking in absolutely all of her. And frowns. "Who are you?"

* * *

_0_

* * *

'_2412. What if that's all I get?_'

(Dr. Spencer Reid)

* * *

**_End./TBC._**

* * *

A/N: To be fully honest I'm not sure if this story ends here. My mind's spinning with possible ideas for a continuation but I'm just not sure. (smirks sheepishly) But seriously, those poor things! 'CM's very own Romeo and Juliet. It would've been amazing to see them granted a happy ending. (keeps hissing at the creators of the series)

PLEASE, do leave a note! Let me hear your thoughts.

Thank you so much for reading!

Take care!


	2. Rewind

A/N: I'm so sorry that it took me this long to update but at first I had trouble with deciding how to proceed and then I got all swamped with about a million projects. (winces) BUT, now I've made my decision – this story feels just right for me with these two chapters. We'll see just what kind of an ending those two shall get this time…

First off, THANK YOU so much for all the love you've already given this story! This fic came to me out of nowhere and I couldn't quite decide what to make of it so your support means a lot. Thank you! (HUGS)

Awkay… (takes a deep breath) I suppose that there's no use in stalling any further, is there? I really hope that you'll enjoy this concluding bit.

* * *

/ _Heart beats fast_  
_Colors and promises_  
_How to be brave?_  
_How can I love when I'm afraid to fall_  
_But watching you stand alone?_  
_All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

_One step closer_ /

(Christina Perri: 'A Thousand Years')

* * *

Part Two

* * *

Dr. Spencer Reid stares into a mirror, which alone feels foreign and uncomfortable for him. Stares, and attempts to see. Tries with all his might to see right into the years he's lost.

Confronting an UnSub with a massive headache hammering his skull is among the last memories he has. (1) He was almost sure that that very confrontation was what landed him into a hospital until he was told him the truth. Revealed that time had been speeding on after those final, vague clips of memory traces.

Spencer doesn't remember the whole Ian Doyle fiasco.

Doesn't remember the chaos and pain afterwards.

Doesn't remember Emily Prentiss leaving, again.

Doesn't remember Jennifer Jareau's wedding, or how much his godson has grown up.

Doesn't remember Dr. Alex Blake joining the team.

He also doesn't remember encountering Dr. Maeve Donovan.

With a groan of anger and frustration he lifts his hand. Gentle fingers brush the angry red mark tainting his head. His eyes narrow against the damage.

According to his doctor he's a extremely lucky man to be alive. Apparently he died once after getting shot. In full truth and according to all sense he should still be dead. Yet he isn't. The memories he's lost will never, ever come back. The damage was too severe. But at very least he's alive to make brand new ones. He should be grateful, elated, and he is. So why does he keep feeling like a piece of his heart is missing?

He brushes the mark again. A small groan crawls through his throat. To think that just that one scar stole away years of his life…

There's a knock and he withdraws his hand quickly, like he would've been doing something forbidden. He turns just when Alex Blake enters the room with a smile. "So… Are you ready to go home?"

Spencer finds himself smiling back as he nods. It's odd, really, how he seems to trust this woman although he only remembers her from those classes of hers he once took. "Definitely", he confirms. He's already spent three weeks in the hospital since waking up. He's more than eager to leave the place behind.

He feels Alex's eyes on him while he finishes gathering his little belongings. She doesn't speak until they're in the elevator. "So you got another note today?"

Spencer blinks but doesn't ask how she knows. With all the profilers around him he's more than used to the people around him noticing things that they shouldn't – he's fairly sure that he does it, too. He clears his throat and feels a hint of heat on his cheeks while his hand slips to his satchel. There, safely away from prying eyes, lay all the precious notes he's been getting since waking up. "Yeah. I got one an hour ago."

He hasn't actually seen Maeve since waking up to meet a stranger's face. Since shattering her heart, and his own. But a couple of days afterwards a nurse brought him a note from a 'secret admirer'. He still remembers the way he smiled upon realizing that the message was from none other than Maeve. '_Don't look so sad. It's_ _going to be alright._ _M_', it said. He already thought that it was a one time thing but the following day another note was delivered by a young nurse who had a wide grin on her face. ("_You seem to have a fan, Dr. Reid_.") '_Start eating before you're skin and bones._ _M_'. That second note did it. Spencer found himself responding. '_I'll eat if you promise to sleep_._ S_' Since then it was a back and forth of notes, the two of them – and as Spencer viewed it, perfect strangers – looking after one another and trying to get to know each other. Soon little puns, quotes and riddles appeared. And as days scrolled by Spencer found himself looking forward to those notes. The nurses were stunningly patient with their childish antics. ('_Half of the nurses have a crush on you'_, Maeve teased, which Spencer dismissed instantly.) Only one nurse who they called 'Brumhilda' refused to help them. ("_This is a hospital, young man, not middle school_.")

Spencer's fingers keep circling on the note. He takes a deep breath, his thoughts reeling. His thumb caresses the paper, almost able to feel the warmth of Maeve's skin.

'_Welcome back home, Spence. I'm here whenever you feel ready._ _M_'

Down below she's scribbled numbers. He doesn't have to wonder what they stand for. Goose bumps travel down his skin, all the way to his spine.

There's a grin on Alex's face. "She wrote something good, didn't she?"

Spencer's nervous beyond all belief. Trembling even. But he can't keep himself from smiling. "Yeah. She did."

Alex is silent until they've made it to her car and he's slumped down, the pathetically small distance he just covered rendering him out of breath and slightly dizzy. (His doctor did warn him, didn't he?) He feels Alex's eyes sweep his way before she speaks softly. "I know that this is all very confusing for you. That there's a lot going through that mind of yours. Especially when it comes to Maeve." There's a tiny, knowing smile on her face. "But… I also know that everything's going to work out just fine in the end."

Spencer glances her way, feeling curious. For the first time since waking up his left hand stops shaking. (Well, they did confirm that it wasn't anything neurological a couple of days ago.) "How would you know?" He sounds far too much like a little child searching for his parent's comfort. Somehow he barely cares.

He wounded Maeve. Unintentionally but still. No matter how badly he would've wanted to remember her the part of his mind that should've been full of her was blank. But… could there still be a chance…?

"Because although you may have forgotten I remember the way you talked about her. I remember how much you loved her – how much you still do, even without clear memories. You were willing to die for her. Technically you did. A heart doesn't forget a love like that, even when your brain does." Alex went on after taking a turn. "And I know that she loves you, too. Before you woke up she barely left your side and since then she's been there every day. The two of you haven't seen the looks on your faces when you read each other's notes but I have." The small grin that's been there widens. "I don't know what kind of a connection the two of you have, but… I don't think that something like this could stand in the way."

Spencer frowns. His heart feels a little bit too big for his chest. "So… You think that we still stand a chance?"

"That's something you have to decide."

* * *

Once he's home Spencer is restless. Like there's something missing. Even several phone calls from his BAU-family won't put his mind at ease.

There are thing in his apartment that don't seem to belong there. Things he can't remember buying or using. Books he can't remember reading. It gives him a bizarre, chilling feeling that someone else has been living his life while he was away.

And then he sees a box that immediately rouses his curiosity. With a frown on his face he pulls it closer and blinks twice with surprise. It's full of letters. All of them from Maeve. Words that feel so familiar that it makes his chest tighten but he seems to be facing them for the first time. And there, tucked along like a treasure, is a book. 'The Narrative of John Smith' by Arthur Conan Doyle. Carefully, as though afraid of damaging the item, Spencer opens the first page. Thomas Merton's words greet him and he can almost hear Maeve's voice whispering them.

Spencer stares. At the book. At the letters. And realizes that there's only one thing he can do. He takes his cell phone and dials numbers he discovered on the day's note from Maeve.

"_Hey_." Maeve sounds surprised. And very, very nervous. "_I… heard that you were supposed to be discharged today… but I wasn't expecting…_" She cleared her throat. "_Are you alright?_"

Her worry makes Spencer feel lightheaded in a way he doesn't recall feeling ever before. His whole body becomes warm. "Yeah, I'm fine. No headaches or nausea. And no nurse Brumhilda."

Maeve laughs. And although it makes no sense with the fact that he has no memories of her Spencer realizes that he's missed that sound terribly. He takes a deep breath, wondering how to set his words. Realizing that there's probably no right way to voice what he has in mind he goes on ahead as bravely as humanly possible. "I… know that this probably sounds weird, but… I just found your book and I… really needed to hear your voice."

Maeve doesn't hang up. "_You're going to have to recheck your definition of 'weird'_." She inhales and exhales, sounding… fidgety, almost. "_Actually, I… I've missed your voice, too_."

Spencer bites his lip not to whisper 'I'm sorry'. Of course he knows that his lack of memories isn't his fault, intellectually. But it's much harder to convince his heart.

"_Spence?_" Maeve's voice is worried and he wonders just how long he's remained silent. "_Are you still there?_"

Spencer blinks rapidly, trying to clear his head. He hopes that what comes in the end sounds even remotely coherent to her. "There's… also another reason. I mean, why I called you."

"_Oh?_" A keen ear catches that her voice shivers the slightest bit. With anticipation, most likely. Hopefully not fear.

Spencer isn't sure if he's able to handle a real, proper relationship. One that doesn't consist only of phone calls and letters. The mere idea terrifies him, if he's to be honest with himself. But he also knows that if he doesn't take the chance he's never going to forgive himself.

And so he clears his throat, his head spinning from something that has nothing to do with his injury. "I… I was thinking." He takes a deep breath, paces around. "Now that it's… over… I'd like to try and start what we had again. Properly, this time."

"_What, exactly, does that mean?_" Her voice sounds amused and hopeful, warm. He discovers that he already loves it although he only remembers hearing it once before this conversation.

He smiles. Smiles, although terror is making his heart thump so fast that it's about to burst. "Well… There's this new French movie…"

* * *

_1_

* * *

The next time Spencer dreams of his own wedding his bride has a face.

* * *

'_Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another._'

(Thomas Merton)

* * *

/ _I have died everyday waiting for you_  
_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_  
_And all along I believed I would find you_  
_Time has brought your heart to me_  
_I have loved you for a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_ /

(Christina Perri: 'A Thousand Years')

* * *

_**End.**_

* * *

1) This hints to 'Corazon'.

* * *

A/N: A happy ending. With a bittersweet edge, but still. (sighs) If only they would've been given even that much…!

PLEASE, leave a note before you go! I may have some special cyber treats to persuade you with… (winks)

Thank you so much for reading, listing and reviewing! You guys are fantastic. (HUGS) Perhaps I'll see you again one day…?

Take care!

* * *

**GO AWAY**: Well, ain't this a very grown up way to make a statement. (sighs with boredom) Are you looking for a way to get yourself reported or something?

Look, there's no reason to get yourself so worked up over the fact that I still keep typing. I'm not going to stop typing, you see, so you're only getting yourself exhausted over nothing. Move on with your life, for crying out loud. Summer is almost here and the world is quite beautiful at this very moment. Go on, see some of it and try to enjoy yourself.

Maeve died in the actual series, no matter what's written into the world of fanfiction. Perhaps that thought will help you sleep better at night.

All the very best for you, mate.

* * *

**Ari**: Oh, how happy I am to hear that you enjoyed it! (beams) I decided to continue this with just one more chapter. 'Hope that you'll enjoy that one as well!

Huge thank yous for the review!

* * *

**Guest (1)**: Awww, such kind words! (beams) 'Hope you'll like this second bit just as much.

Massive thank yous for the review!

* * *

**Guest (2)**: Let's hope so. (sighs) Those two would deserve a happy ending at last.

Colossal thank yous for the review!


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